Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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