I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
