she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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