I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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