grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
you made out with another girl for some wings
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
