I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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