I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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