you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
