Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I need to calm my uterus...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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