I can text with my tongue
Barsexuality is the new black.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
