What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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