I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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