I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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