I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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