My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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