yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize