I wish I could punch you in the face.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
