So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
