Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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