Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
