he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
