my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize