Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
