Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
