Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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