she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
