Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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