6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
