just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
someone owes me an orgasm
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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