I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
