dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize