My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
