and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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