I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
