i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
