Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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