I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
