I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Randomize
