You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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