I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
