i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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