at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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