I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
