Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
