Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize