my soul wont recognize me after tonight
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
