make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
