oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
