This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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