there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
