Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
