Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just pee around me
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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