you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
