i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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