i just wanna soil my oats bro
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i think i have herpe
just one?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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