: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
