Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
