i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just puked most of my soul out..
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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