I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
