Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
