I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
